


I know what it's like to behold and not be held

by nea_writes



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Angst, Bad Ending, Gen, Lenalee would let the world burn and it still wouldn't be good enough, everything's one sided and there's no comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-15
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-09-17 14:25:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9328772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nea_writes/pseuds/nea_writes
Summary: “Lavi, please.”It was Lenalee’s craziest idea, but Lavi couldn’t find it in him to deny her. He looked down, saw black on white on white on black, and grimly agreed.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I was trying to sleep when this idea grabbed a hold of me and wouldn't leave me in peace. Written originally on mobile, so sorry for any weird mistakes;; 
> 
> Moses Sumney - Plastic

“Lavi, please.”

It was Lenalee’s craziest idea, but Lavi couldn’t find it in him to deny her. He looked down, saw black on white on white on black, and grimly agreed.

In the dark, when the moon was obscured by clouds and not even God looked down on them, Lavi helped Lenalee sneak through the new headquarters, Link helping and never saying a single word. He hadn’t, ever since it happened. Quiet, quiet, a bird with his wings clipped, song forever lost.

Down the winding the path and through the woods. It was hard, but they found a cart used to transport foodstuffs and materials back and forth, so they used that. Two steady horses by Link’s recommendation, and they were off.

When they reached the town Lavi tossed a heavy tarp over the cart, and Lenalee thanked him with a nod. Her wish had been the first words she’d spoken, and Lavi could only hope they’d be the prelude to more.

Past the town and dawn was breaking. They had to be quick, quick. The golems were silenced, tucked inside coats to be turned on later.

By Link’s silent suggestion - far more used to avoiding the Order than Lavi and Lenalee - they turned down an oft unused road to a small town. “Towards the coast,” Lenalee noted, and Link nodded, grimacing.

Far past noon they reached another town and, sudden as it was, only Link had money. He covered their lunch and Lenalee quietly wept. “The food,” She said. Lavi placed a comforting hand on her shoulder and let her head rest against his chest. Link looked away.

They moved on, ever weary. Was this what it was like? Forever moving, never resting, was this what it was like?

_Keep walking._

Another dark road through a thick forest, trees heavy with moss. “We’re close,” Lavi noted.

Finally, they broke through the woods and crested a hill. Beneath them lay a town so small that not even ships bothered with it. Fishermen were reeling in for the day, calling out to each other. Wives laughed from open windows, retrieving sun dried laundry from clotheslines strung between buildings.

“It’s beautiful,” Lenalee said as the sun set, turning the ocean into fire.

They let the horses rest before finding an inn. Link dropped a few sparkling coins in an outstretched boy’s hand, Lavi securing a promise to watch over their cart for the night.

Even then, all three stayed in the same room that overlooked the alley the cart was sequestered in. Lenalee fell into a dazed sleep and Link sat at the window sill, never taking his eyes off the cart. Lavi’s mind was blissfully blank as he sat in the lone armchair. Tomorrow, tomorrow he’d think.

But tonight he would just breathe.

Before daybreak they all roused and left the inn, eating a hasty breakfast and dismissing the boy with a thanks. The horses’ steps clip clopped on the cobblestones, and the sea breeze wafted over them.

“I wish we could have gone farther.” Lenalee said, breath hitching. “Farther, farther, far away! So far, the world would have never heard of us!”

The fisherman stared at them curiously as they left town and climbed the next hill, the beginnings of another forest. A little further, until noon, and they reached a cliff.

The ocean stretched before them, endless. The horizon greeted them mistily, as if it didn’t recognize them.

“Here,” Lenalee said. Lavi and Link nodded, and Link folded the tarp aside. The three of them grabbed shovels.

“We have to dig,” Lavi paused, throat tight and dry. “Dig. Dig deep. So the animals.”

Link nodded and broke soil.

It took the better part of the evening, but finally it was done. Lenalee stepped over to the cart, breath ragged and color high on her cheeks, but Lavi didn’t think it was the exertion.

Viciously, she ripped away the decorative cloths emblazoned with the rose cross. She dropped them and dug her heels in until the white smeared with dirt and Lavi had to pull her away from the senseless action.

It took more creativity to lower the caskets, but they did. But, Lavi jostled one, and it slid off.

Thankfully, it was Kanda’s.

He looked serene. It hurt. Lavi hastily pushed it back but Lenalee was already on her knees, hands fisted over her eyes. “It’s not fair! It’s not, it’s not! I wish it was me! Why couldn’t it be me?”

“Stop, Lenalee stop,” Lavi begged, voice trembling.

“Never!” She screamed, and Lavi barely noticed when Link sat down roughly, uncaring if he became filthy with dirt and mud. “All these years, that’s what I did! I stopped, and I let everything happen! Why do they have to pay the price? Why them? They don’t deserve it! It’s not fair!”

“Lenalee,” Lavi said, and stopped, too hoarse to say anymore.

Abruptly, she stood. “Let’s finish this.” Lavi and Link nodded.

They covered the grave up until nearly the top, layered it with stones from a nearby cave in the hill, and then finished it with a top layer.

They sat at the end, and Lavi flinched when Link perched on the edge of the cliff, eyes staring unseeing at the sunset.

Quietly, the wind blew, and soon life started anew in the nearby forest. Animals foraged around, birds sang their own goodbyes.

“I don’t want to live,” Link said, and Lavi startled at his voice. “Not like this. Not anymore.”

“You’re dead, aren’t you?” Lenalee’s voice was like thunder and Link flinched. “You’re free,” She said, softly.

“No. I never will be. When he died, he - he, took something. From me. I can’t even look at the stupid sun setting without thinking of-”

“It’s just grief,” Lavi said, unable to bear hearing his name. “It’ll pass.” He felt so cold, so so cold. Was this what being a Bookman was like? Staring at your best friends’ graves and feeling cold as ice?

“I don’t want it to!” Link yelled, head bowed. “I don’t want to forget, to not think. To see the sun rising, or setting, or hear birdsong, or smell freshly baked bread or hear children’s laughter and not think of him!”

And then, softly, trembling. “It’s not fair.”

And no, Lavi thought as the sun dipped below the horizon and the sky grew dark. It’s really not.

Of them all, Allen Walker and Kanda Yuu didn’t deserve the fate that had greeted them.


End file.
